NEWS OF THE DAY: MARCH 24, 2014

Obama is attending a summit at the Hague, Netherlands, a city known as the International City of Peace, Justice, and Johan’s Half-Priced, All-Cheese Breakfast Special according to this guy named Johan we interviewed.

G8 members to discuss ongoing Russia/Crimea crisis. Russia not invited, makes plans for a solo career.

Greensboro mayor Nancy Vaughan seeks to crack down on panhandlers who can already be charged with a crime if they beg within a few feet of residences, businesses, banks, ATMs, schools, and bus stops. Vaughan is presumably looking into field, road, and atmosphere based restrictions.