NEWS OF THE DAY: MARCH 19, 2014

Russia is moving forward with plans to annex Crimea, despite the West’s threat to force Kanye West to move there.

According to a recent analysis, the Earth barely avoided a massive solar storm two years ago that would have devastated communication systems and possibly power grids, crippling our contemporary society. Yes, two years ago was 2012, the year the Mayans predicted the world would end, and yes, the analysis showed that the solar storm was comprised of the fiery souls of thousands of sacrificial victims from hundreds of years ago. But it was still a coincidence. And they missed us.

A job fair was held today at Guilford County Community college. Over 90 employers attended which means that out of the thousands of unemployed job seekers who participated over 90 now have jobs.

And by “have jobs,” we mean they will receive a second, actual interview and then be passed over for an acquaintance of someone who already works there.