NEWS OF THE DAY: MARCH 5, 2014

The EU has promised over $15 billion in grants and loans to the Ukrainian economy: only thirty billion shy of the amount lonely strangers have promised to its webcam models.

An acquaintance of Oscar Pistorius, the South African paralympic accused of murder, says that the accused shot a gun off in a restaurant a month before the murder. The restaurant was a Denny’s and Pistorius has yet to receive his Grand Slam breakfast. He is considering asking to see a manager.

Oprah Winfrey is producing a Lindsay Lohan reality show that airs Sunday night. Oprah hopes to empower Lindsay and get people to stop taking advantage of her. The pile of money Oprah makes from the show will go to helping Oprah film other starlets in desperate need of exploitation.

In all seriousness, Oprah is helping Lindsay the only way she knows how. However, this situation is kind of like a shark trying to teach a dolphin to breathe by keeping its head underwater.