NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 26, 2014

President Obama needs $300 billion to save the nation’s transportation infrastructure. Solution: throw the biggest rager this campus has ever seen! (unless people can’t get there because of our crumbling roads–then restructure corporate tax system.)

Republicans seek to hire Doc Brown as their new spokesman: “Roads? Where we’re going we won’t need roads.” Except we will in 2015, Doc Brown, we really, really will.

The singer for the metal band As I Lay Dying has pleaded guilty to a murder plot against his estranged wife. She was not a fish.

A writer for News of the Day: February 26 has made an obtuse reference to a single sentence in a William Faulkner novel. Although he caught great sound and fury from his editor, sources say: They endured.