NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 24, 2014

U.S.A. warns Russia not to intervene in Ukraine. Russia fires back that they weren’t anyway, and if they don’t it’s not because U.S.A said so. U.S.A says “sure it is” and smiles smugly. Russia counters “It is!” U.S.A. nods knowingly. Russia throws up its hands, barges to room to play Sega Genesis.

The count is in and the U.S.A. has placed only 4th in gold medals during this Olympics. However, we did get our first ice dancing win which everyone knows is all we came there for anyway. (Russia nods knowingly.)

Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the Daytona 500 after a rain delay of over 6 hours. His secret? Windshield wipers.

Of course, that’s a joke. Slippery road conditions would make racing flimsy tubes of metal at speeds well exceeding 100 mph extremely dangerous.

Greensboro’s Open Space Cafe Theatre will now be performing at the Carolina Theater, opening its next season with a musical revue April 11th and 12th. This is not to be confused with the Open Face Cafe which will now be serving sandwiches at the Carolina Deli, opening with a pastrami on rye.

The Open Face Cafe is my book bag and the sandwiches are disgusting, but I’ll undercut the deli by 50 percent. Bring cash.