NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 22, 2014

Canada has defeated the US hockey team on Olympic ice. Our Zombonis will glide at half-speed today in memoriam of our national pride.

Speaking of Zombonis: has anyone heard the joke my uncle Will made while watching figure skating the other night? He said “that Ruskie girl puts my Zom-boner at half-mast.” Then we told him the girl was fifteen. Then a silence settled on the family.

Pope Francis has appointed 19 new cardinals, many from more impoverished areas of the world. When asked why not 20 his Holiness said there was 19 people qualified and while he didn’t expressly say it, his look told me he thought it was a silly question.

BuzziSpace, a Belgium based furniture maker, is setting up its North American manufacturing headquarters in Guilford county. The move is sure to create much needed jobs but there is no word yet if BuzziSpace is interested in investing in my heartfelt screenplay about a rough-and-tumble youth soccer feather bowling team.