NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 18, 2014

The Congressional Budget Office predicts raising the minimum wage will bring 900,000 people out of poverty while conversely putting 500,000 out of work; it further predicts that the descendants of these 900,000 will evolve into a race of majestic human-bird hybrids whilst the offspring of the others will most assuredly devolve into sewer-dwelling toad people; for these and more wondrous predictions, consult the Congressional Budget Office’s exciting new graphic novel: Fantastic Fiscal Disasters and Other Tales to Extinguish Hope, available wherever newsstands remain economically viable.

A giant octopus attempted to rip a camera out of the hands of a diver off the coast of California. Celebrities voice support, but caution the mollusk: “that’s just what they want you to do.”

From the Local News Desk: Greensboro is a finalist to host the National Folk Festival. The Board of Health cautions to be on the lookout for orally transmitted ditties and autochthonous cavorts.