NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 8, 2014

A man was tackled yesterday for touching the White House fence in an inappropriate manner. Authorities were going to prosecute, until they found out the man was Woody Allen.

They said: “I loved Midnight in Paris,” and claimed the fence had been coached into the allegation in exchange for an ice cream cone.

A study has found that Chinook salmon are born with knowledge of their ancestral migration route: swim, eat, mate, and die. The study concludes the fish are not fun to talk with at parties.

Although they are born with this knowledge and do not need anyone to teach them, salmon parents are still going into massive debt paying for college because salmon sitcoms have always acted like it’s important.