NEWS OF THE DAY: FEBRUARY 6, 2014

Olympic competition began today in Russia. It is expected to last for three years and claim two million lives.

Vladimir Putin is eager to see which Olympian will defeat the others in one on one kung-fu showdowns after he screams “Mortal Kombat!” at the opening ceremony. Whoever it is will earn the right to face Putin himself and lose fifty times before they throw down their controller and get a snack.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno airs its final episode tonight. Joke structures will be similar to this one.

My computer sounds and moves like it’s constipated. When I bought a Compaq, I didn’t realize the name referred to its capacity to compact the digital equivalent of fecal matter and stow it away in its butthole-less hard drive for all eternity. It moves roughly the speed of a pet turtle on a sunny afternoon who also happened to be left alone with a block of cheese in the morning. Seriously, this thing is slow: slower than the Russian Winter, slower than NBC’s dismissal of Jay Leno, slower than any event that has ever attempted to transpire within the dimensions of time and space. But at least it still finds porn.